 
I found this bizarre critter right outside my new DC apartment. I guess my entomological skills will have to expand, along with my tolerance for exuberant tree growth, because I have absolutely no idea what it might be. It was almost as long as my hand. Any ideas? (this is its ventral side)
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I was going to guess an adult antlion, but I am not really sure what bug is that.
An antlion was a good guess. It is a dobsonfly, which is in the same order as antlion, i.e. neuropterans. Very cool! The large mandibles are indicative of a male rather than a female. The larvae are aquatic and individuals spend most of their lives as larvae. Its rather ironic that you, bioemphemera found such an insect in your new apartment — a sign no doubt, as the adult form is ephemeral. I would take this as a good omen! Fear not the large mandible — as it turns out these large mouthparts are harmless, but beware of the short mandibles of the female — they are short and can draw blood.
Hey Cicada — Glad to hear you’ve survived your move. The nasty looking bug is really pretty harmless, it’s Corydalus cornutus, alias the Dobsonfly. Only the males have the long mandibles. If you’re into trout fishing, their larvae make excellent bait.